#Spoonie: My Reasons to Stay Alive

Content Warning:  Suicide

Content Note: I wrote this over several days and haven't re-read it so I'm not 100% grammar, spelling or what the hell I wrote about. But I am scheduling it anyway. Good luck.

“To other people, it sometimes seems like nothing at all. You are walking around with your head on fire and none can see the flames. And so -- as depression is largely unseen and mysterious -- it is easy for stigma to survive.” - Matt Haig, Reasons to Stay Alive

Inspired by this post. She started hers from Reasons to Stay Alive by Matt Haig.  One piece of the book was to list your reasons to stay alive. Example: one of hers is to watch Elf every Christmas. I read it a few days after she posted. Ever since I've been thinking about it. A few days ago I decided to go back to her blog to let her know.

Four in the morning, Tuesday June 19th I started this. It’s hot and humid, the humidity feels as if it’s trying to melt my bones. My joints disagree with this predicament striking loudly and painfully at this. While I’m laying in bed reading blogs and parts of Rough Justice in an uncomfortable state. When this happens there is no escape.

Some reason when heat gets trapped in the bedroom my medication and their usefulness dies.

Confession: I have suicidal thoughts and struggle with depression. I’ve been this way since I was a child. Before you panic with this information I want you to know I don’t need a pep talk, suicide hotline or reported for at-risk. This is one of those things where the stigma of depression and suicide stops conversations.

“Stigma is particularly cruel for depressives, because stigma affects thoughts and depression is a disease of thoughts.”

For me, suicidal thoughts are more like a gossip who comes along with an oldie thinking it is a goodie. I have no interest in gossip in my mind or with people so it doesn’t work well. Chronic illness has not helped with this, however, I am still here and will be.

At nine or ten, I knew I would not live until twenty-five. Either by my hand or something. It’s possible that my child mind simply thought twenty-five was fuck’old.  For me, I believe having conversations openly can help end the stigma and the isolation.

“... you internalize everything, and you are so scared that people will alienate you further you clam up and don’t speak about it, which is a shame, as speaking about it helps.”

Depression does things to us in different ways. Some of us can reach out for help and get the help without fear or insult. While others we struggle with acceptance, medication and getting the help. Either because of the people in your life, your financial situation or where you live. So, we keep everything within ourselves which does not help but y’know what? We know that and it is still going to happen.

The mentally ill know they are ill. They know they need help. They know. Sometimes the problem is the underestimation of the problem before they’re able to get help because they don’t have anyone to talk with.

“Words -- spoken or written-- are what connect us to the world, and so speaking about it to people, and writing about this stuff, helps connect us to each other, and to our true selves.”

Now, here are some of my reasons for staying alive:

1. Cool mornings where the sun is clear and I wake up early. I get to sit in this weather on days where I’ve nothing to do.
2. Writing parts of my stories at my mom’s house while I wait for them to wake up.
3. Writing stories. I’ve completed many.
4. Sharing memes and jokes with my boyfriend when we’re home together.
5. Playing very active games and only slightly guilty for using up the spoons.
6. Creating things. I crochet, sew and make wreaths beside writing.
7. Reading. It is an adventure and a fun distraction..even before my chronic illness.
8. Walks, hiking and anything naturewise I get to do with my family.
9. My cats! Dogs! And the animals we spend time with to care and rehome when we find them alone/in a bad place.
10. Having conversations on weird topics.
11. Creating fictional worlds with my sisters or “what ifs”
12. Sitting on the porch watching the animals roam around at my mom’s new house.
13. Arguing. I like to argue. Not the red-face almost putting hands on someone. Just conversations disagreeing/agreeing. Lol. I’m not doing it to prove right what I’m saying (though I do participate in a lot with misinformed people lol).
14. Teaching. I don’t have a full-time teaching position yet but I love subbing.
15. My up-and-coming niece who will be released August something. We are slowly planning out my sister’s baby shower. She wants a preggo cake but the kind that would traumatize the kids who will be at the shower.
16. Just doing everyday things with my family.
17. Being alone and listening to music
18. Dancing (I have no rhythm & never learned how to dance lol)
19. Laughing
20. Grocery shopping with my sisters

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